Inside My Head

On one hand there’s a child inside, just waiting to get out

On the other hand I am an adult and I don’t get what this is about

Grief and pain, hurt and shame, they mess you up and make you think you are insane

Yet the truth is here and it sets me free to be what and who God created me to be

Why is it hard to reconcile the two, Christ died to make all things new

Get over the past I hear them say but they should live in my head on some days

The things planted inside it when I was young and free caused bondage and fear to roll all over me

Vulgarities and sin, bad scenes in my mind they don’t go away just because now I am grown

They pop up at the most inappropriate times, just when I think they are gone.

Move forward move forward the pastor’s all say- I’m trying! I’m trying! I want to display

Christ love for the poor and his power in my mind, I know I am to forget what lies behind

Lord Jesus I know you have wiped me clean. Your princess I am by your blood I am redeemed!

These memories that come, teach me to make them yours, I am sick of hearing that I am a whore.

The condemning young voice that can sound so strong can come when I hear the just the chords of a song

Get out of my head you lying snake my life story is His, you cannot retake

 The ground that you lost when He died on that tree, because I know He did it for me.

Pain makes you stronger, hardships do too and we won’t even remember them when we get to see You.

Let me live on this earth a life not in vain and help to show others your healing from pain

                                                                                                                      doris cardwell

I was a child when you molested me, what you did took away my dignity.

what do adults think when they victimize a child

do they ever wake up and realize their actions were vile

broken in pieces is how you left me

Christ took all those pieces when He was nailed on that tree

He wove them into beauty, and riches untold

yet there is this one little blemish that remains in my soul

what you took from me caused an awful lot of pain

I wonder was it worth it, whatever you gained

I know He is healing me this much is true 

and I pray one day He will heal you

hard to face  as memories I revisit

I know I’ve gained grace 

as I have been made to relive it

one day we’ll stand at the judgement seat of God

I want my heart to be clear from the journey I’ve trod

I choose to forgive and let God wash my soul 

I trust Him to handle you and to make me more bold

If I see you again, you can bet on this

you better not touch me cause I am His. 

Son Starved Flower

I am a used up flower, empty and dead to the core,
My stem is broken down and crushed,
My petals shine no more
The elements they pummeled me,
They broke me through and through
The storms of life left many seeds
And thus my garden filled with weeds
One ugly stem left all alone
Bruised and broken in two
Left there to die among the thorns
With no one to tend my wounds
And then one day the gardener came
He was just walking by
He saw my little broken stem, wait I caught His eye
He took the time to pull the weeds around my sturdy roots
He said you will have blossoms now-the petals had to die,
In shedding them you have more strength to reach up to the sky,
What you mean I’m not a weed, my blooming days aren’t done?
No my little flower stem, you just need the Son.                                           doris cardwell

 

 

Screwed Up

Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what is normal.  I know some people say there is no normal, but that is sad to me because there should be normal.  There should be parameters that define what is acceptable and healthy.  There should be normal.  If there is no normal, what do we strive for.  Today it seems that so many people are screwed up that screwed up has become accepted.  This is so wrong……SCREWED UP IS NOT OK! Imperfect is ok, but screwed up and imperfect are two different things. Screwed up is sick, imperfect is trying, it is missing the mark on some points but not on all.  Screwed up is nothing is right, everything is twisted. Screwed up breeds more craziness, imperfect means we make mistakes but we are striving for something good.  Screwed up says, I don’t give a rip, everyone’s got something so I might as well be the way that I am.   There is so much perversion in society today that people don’t know what is appropriate and inappropriate as a whole because everything is acceptable or you are labeled as narrow minded. People are raped, molested and even sold every day yet it seems we have become dulled to it.  I remember on the news a few weeks back I saw that Joan Rivers had compared her life living in her daughters home to the women who were held captive and horribly abused by a mad man in Ohio.  How sad that she would even make that comparison in a joke.  Yet did anyone demand her to loose her job?  When the basket ball man made a racist comment, he has been torn apart and banned from NBA events and is being forced to sell his team? Notice the two very different responses, with Joan Rivers the victims asked for an apology and the request was refused but has she been forced into anything? Not that I can find online.  Both of these incidents were in very poor taste, but they were received so differently, it makes me sad that this is where we are in society today. Abuse is ugly and should not be joked about in the manner that Joan Rivers chose to, racism is ugly and should not occur in the manner it did with Donald Sterling.  Donald Sterling fined millions and banned from events, forced to sell his team, Joan Rivers, nothing.  Sterling pays, Rivers doesn’t. Screwed up is normal these days and that to me, is wrong.