Healing Hurts

IAMI started out writing this post from a very “sensitive” view point. However I just erased all of that and decided to speak straight from my heart. Healing hurts..it hurts like part of what I think hell might be like. The torment and pain that evil brings. Parts of it hurt worse than others. I told someone today that I do not enjoy this process. I don’t care to rehash or re-live painful things but sometimes I have to whether I want to or not. There are things that seemed so normal to me as a child, but when a memory lands in my mind now as an adult, I want to throw up when I realize how abnormal things were. I hate what abuse does to people. I hate what it does to the victim, I hate what it does the perpetrator and I hate what it does to the innocent bystanders. The spouses who marry women who freeze up when a memory arises at an inappropriate time, or who can’t trust fully because of their past. The children whose parents are super vigilant because they have seen evil face to face. The children whose parents are checked out while they try to numb their own pain or deal with their own problems. When I think back to parts of my childhood and I remember how things were, there are some good things, but there are many bad things too. This creates confusion in the heart and mind of a child. It creates chaos in the relationships between parents and children and siblings as adults. How does one disentangle themselves from this pile of chaos and confusion? It is different for each person. Some, like me, have families that are so toxic there needs to be a disconnect. Last year, I ran into someone from my past. It unlocked a lot of memories that I had known about but never been able to process or put into perspective. I was abused from within the family and from without. I have family members who say that I am crazy, that I made all of this up.Yet, I know that they know it is true.  I spoke to an older person a few years ago that knew us growing up. When I told her in a vague way about some of the mess I grew up in they told me they found that hard to believe because they never saw any of the things I was speaking of. A pastor told recently of his foolish dogs love for tangling with skunks. He said when the dog would come back into the yard after tangling with one, he didn’t have to see the skunk to know what had transpired. Don’t be quick to discount someone’s story because you never saw the abuse. I was so desperate for someone to do something, I remember hitting a cinder block wall at a place where I worked as a young teenager hoping to break my hand or bruise it enough to cause someone to ask questions because when I would try to tell people what I was living with they would always just say…all families fight…..what they didn’t know was that all family members don’t point guns at them and tell them they are going to kill them because they are crazy. Suppressing these things and being afraid to speak the truth has been harmful to me in more ways than I care to recount. God has been faithful to me and has done mighty things in my life. I have so much further to go, but He is using my ability to communicate about this process to help me and I hope to help others have hope. Someone told me one time after I had gotten a free massage at the cancer center that they wished they could get a free massage and my response was “but do you want to go through cancer like I did to get one?”. I feel the same way about growing up in abuse and crazy making situations. Never look at someone and think you want to be where they are unless you are willing to walk through what they have walked through to get there. I have walked through a lot to get to the point of being able to share openly about all of my past. The bad decisions I made as a result of my childhood are painful and painstaking. There is much I don’t understand or want to understand, yet God knows what I need when I don’t know myself. If you know someone who is dealing with trauma from their past, don’t judge them or think they just need to grow up and get over it, when chaos has filled your family, sanity does not come cheap.-Doris Cardwell


One thought on “Healing Hurts

  1. Sherry says:

    Doris, thanks for sharing your heart. You have been through so much, but I’m so grateful you are using your past to reach out to others. During my last few weeks in nc-god placed a lady in my life whose youth was similar to your. I saw her the day I left and god had helped break the chains that were holding her captive.

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