Death and Doorways

So my brother passed away in May. Please don’t tell me you are sorry for my loss, because the truth is I lost my brother a long time ago. You see my brother and I had not had a good relationship for years, many years. Our childhood was what psychologist call “crazy making”. I knew he was in the hospital because my father had someone call me to say he was in ICU. I decided I had no right to go see him because we had not spoken in a very, very long time. I figured if he was in his last moments on this earth, that time belonged to him and his wife, to the people he loved and who loved him. I really didn’t know what his future held, but I knew that if he wanted me there his wife would let me know, otherwise, it was not my place. The next evening I saw on social media, he had passed. I read his obituary in the newspaper. I went to the funeral home and saw his wife, she was gracious and kind. When I stood in the funeral home and looked around, I realized that while our relationship was bad, I could be truly thankful that he had people who loved him and that he loved. I could celebrate that there were people who knew him in ways other than how I had known him. I went to the funeral. I went to his home afterwards, I had not walked through that door in over twenty years. I was thankful for the opportunity. Thankful that I could see the support and love David had been privileged to have around him in the last several years.

You see I had stayed away from things that had to do with our childhood for years. In part because it was painful. In part because it was hard to understand or explain the complexities in our relationship and our relationship with our father. Those relationships were complicated because of sin and wickedness. Complicated because of crazy things that shouldn’t be common in families but too often are. Complicated because children need love that is not toxic, love that is pure and peaceable, nurturing not nasty. Sometimes parents have so much of their own garbage they are unable to provide that love to children. For our parents, their issues ran deep. We were the recipients of a lot of crazy making and one very narcissistic parent. We were never given the love and nurturing we deserved. Security and sanity were not things that occurred in our home. If you knew us growing up, you may or may not have picked up on that, but I am speaking truth. Not just my truth, but the truth.

People have an expectation when you are a Christ Follower, I know, I have had those expectations of myself and others as well, I regret that. My relationship with my brother was a product of our past, but in the present, you can’t erase things that have been done and said. You can move past them independently, but not always together. No matter how much you pray, no matter how much you try. Sometimes the expectation is that God will always have some kind of miraculous ending, restoration, renewal. But the truth is He works in ways we can’t see or understand. I prayed for years that God would not take David off this earth before he was ready to meet his Maker. I choose to believe this was all part of the answer to that prayer. You see he lived seven years past when the doctors told him he would. His wife had seven years that were a gift to her, she will tell you that. I had seven years to let go of the need for restoration on this side, restoration that honestly had just as much to do with my own need to see things resolved as my desire for him to be whole. I had seven years to release all that had been held, to resolve all that needed resolving so that when he passed, I could choose, by faith, to know that all was just as it needed to be. I can celebrate that people knew him and loved him in ways that I could not. I can celebrate that out of a crazy making child hood David found some peace in some way. He told his wife, he knew he was dying and that he had asked the “good Lord” to let him see a calf born and get some taters out of their garden. He didn’t get the taters and he never got to see the calf, but he left behind a wife who loved him and taught him what healthy love was. He left a sister who feels free to celebrate the brother she never knew, and who has a hope that one day she will see him again, because faith is believing in things hoped for the evidence of that not yet seen.

Dark Places, Familiar Faces

Someone told me once that I didn’t write because I didn’t want to go where writing would take me. I thought they were wrong, but in truth they were right. Darkness is ugly and the truth often hurts, why does anyone want to go there, why would anyone need to go there? For some of us we have to go there to face the truth about our pasts in order to clear out confusion and chaos. Sometimes as children the truth hurts so bad, you have no mechanism to deal with or process the truth so you unconsciously cover the truth with lies. As children we want to believe that our parents care for us, we want to believe that the world is a good place and good people win. Reality says ….not always and sometimes…not so much. C.S. Lewis said, “If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable. Think of it as a place of training and correction and it’s not so bad”. In my life (disclaimer..this is real and raw), I remember a time when I thought, “I couldn’t be being abused because my parents love me and they would never let that happen”. I was in my teens and I remember almost coming unglued at that point, because I couldn’t wrap my mind around the truth. Then it went away, somewhere deep and would rear it’s ugly head at the most inconvenient times later in life. Like, when I saw a persons name who abused me, or when I felt safe and secure, or the most out of control. Circumstances have occurred recently that have allowed me to see the reality of what I have dealt with or not dealt with my whole life…..things happened, my childhood was twisted, my family relationships were twisted, this caused other relationships to twist, dark places in my mind are filled with familiar faces. Those faces have haunted me for years. I have tried to lay them down, give them to God, begged Him to put the pieces together, all the while not really wanting to see what it looks like when the pieces are put together. I have ran from the truth because it hurts, it stings, it burns and it cuts deeper than I can say. People who love me have thought I should be healed by now, I should be free, Christians think I am not where I need to be in my walk with God because I have to look back and going back is ugly, it brings out the worst in me. It causes me to be hard and angry and feel things that I would rather not feel, it causes me to retreat, pull in and pull back when I am dealing with something because the pain and anger can be so intense at times. I may respond to things using old coping mechanisms or say things in a way that I normally wouldn’t. My story with my family is not one of those that ends with a happily ever after…..it just ends. I had to let go of the fact that I wanted a happy ending a few years ago because the reality is we don’t all get happy endings and those who think because we serve God, we get one, don’t fully understand Christ and suffering, in my mind. Dark places being filled with familiar faces is a tragedy that happens more than we like to admit, bringing Christ into those dark places doesn’t change the darkness, Christ heals, darkness wounds. Healing doesn’t mean restored relationships or a better outcome, healing means facing fully the depth of the darkness and not allowing the dark, to continue to dictate what happens in the light. Familiar faces in dark places will not be the death of me……it will inspire me to live more fully, laugh louder and more often, walk in true love and not waste anymore time longing for love from people so toxic that the very air around them reeks with agony.

REJECTION

Rejection-what a difficult word……growing up I was called a REJECT…. today as an adult woman, there are days that I feel so much rejection……I know I am loved and cared for yet some days rejection seems to be lurking around every corner. On days like today, I know I am weak…really weak..because when I feel those familiar walls of rejection..it still takes me a bit to get out of my head. I have to remind myself that my security comes from God..not those around me….that my trust and faith is in Him and should be in Him alone. I also have to remind myself that because I am still healing from enormous hurts in my life, sometimes when I feel something, it is connected to something bigger that makes me go in my head to a place that is not healthy. Kind of like when you cut your finger and you automatically can see in your mind your whole arm being amputated because infection has set in and your life will never be the same but in truth it is a small cut that will heal by the next day… you know like when you are hormonal and everything is EXTREME! I realize that there are times that rejection is the best thing that can happen in a situation…for example, in a toxic relationship, while rejection can hurt, it can be the one thing that helps you see the relationship for what it is POISON. What is the root of rejection? I am not really wise enough to know the answer to that across the board, I can only speak from my own experiences. I can not depend on others to give me what I need or tell me who I am. That has to come from Christ in me, my hope of Glory. The Holy Spirit is my teacher, comforter and helper…when I feel the wall of rejection trying to build a foundation in my spirit I have to go to the Word to see who I am, find my worth, and let those feelings of hurt and inadequacy go. So in my mind, the root of rejection may be looking to others for what Christ alone can give me. I need to have my default setting to be that of what God says I am, not the lies I have believed for so long about myself. My go to needs to be grace, for me, and for others. I need to receive healing to be able to stay in today, not tomorrow, not yesterday and not years before. How do I do this……..I must believe that God who started the good work in me will bring it to completion, I must know I am His and He alone is the lifter of my head. I must be pliable clay in my potter’s hands as He shapes me and makes me into who He wants me to be. I will never be rejected by the one who created me and formed me in my mother’s womb. In this, I can rest and trust, with this, I can stop the “feelings” of rejection dead in its tracks. Help me Father to grow stronger in Jesus name.

Pondering on Grief and Purpose

Sometimes I feel like I need to grieve, like there is something deep inside me that needs to get out. I saw a man on television who was forced to shoot his friend because he was out of his head. As he dug the grave to put the coffin in, he let out the most gut wrenching sound that was deep and mournful…I looked at Joel and said, that’s what I feel like I need to do sometimes. Yet it’s not something I can work up or make come out, it seems to dance with me. Like there are times I think if I would just go somewhere by myself and yell at the top of my lungs, it would all come out. Then other times, I can’t muster up a single feeling, I am numb as a rock. I wonder sometimes if this is why I struggle with anxiety at times, like there are two people inside of me, yet I know there is only one. This little child that turned everything off and just went through motions, turned into this grown woman who doesn’t know how to feel sometimes. A young mother, Collyn, from our church is recuperating from brain surgery, they found her tumor to be benign and I found myself so burdened for her and her husband leading up to the surgery, I cried many tears for them, that turned into tears of joy when the good news came, yet I didn’t feel much of anything when I think about walking through our own health crisis in 2007…can that be normal or is it insane? Here is what I think….there are times that my past can be a blessing to my present….ugly as it seems, I know it to be true….someone told me that had I not walked through what I had as a child I might not be able to do the things that God calls me to now. That the grit and determination I learned while living in chaos and confusion benefits me now in many ways. So how do I reconcile how I feel, what I think, with what I know and I see to be true today? 1. I go with what I know, not what I feel. 2. I don’t try to stifle what I feel, I try to feel it, ask God what to do with it and move on. 3. I realize that God is the one who will finish what He started in me. This allows me grace, mercy and peace to walk this walk and let Him lead. It is not for me to do, know or understand until He shows me that. I need to be still enough to hear His voice and let it drown out the voice of the enemy. The voice that tries to tell me….you can’t unlock these doors that have been locked and hidden, you will fall apart if you do….you can’t teach, speak and love from where you have been…you made it all up anyway….who are you to tell anyone anything…no one believes you….you want to slap people how can God use you…and on and on and on. Which brings me back to where we started…deep grief….I choose to allow myself to grieve as God sees fit for me to grieve….I had such a loss of innocence at such a young age, it still hurts, not because I won’ t let it go, but because it is such a part of me….a part that has been shut down, turned off and covered up with lies from the enemy, religion and people who don’t understand. I realize had my family not walked through the health crisis we did in 2007 I would potentially not have been able to pray for Collyn and her husband the way I did…by the same token…if I didn’t know what it was like to not know innocence I wouldn’t understand some of the women and children who come across my path in Walmart, at church, the hospital, the grocery store. So in saying that, I am saying, things hurt, life hurts and loving people is messy but I can look back over my life and know that every hurting, stinking,messy part, God redeems, He doesn’t allow us to forget it, He doesn’t wipe it away, but he makes beauty out of ashes and restores a soft heart from a heart of stone. I thank Him for that.

Freedom Calling

There are times when my heart feels so heavy,
Like the hurt that’s inside has nowhere to go.
Then my Savior reaches down and exposes
those wounds way down deep in my soul.
He reminds me of how much He loves me,
How he bled and died on that tree.
To free me from chains that would bind me,
Because Satan doesn’t want me free.
The blood of Jesus covers me,
Where I have been and what’s been done to me
It is there that the demons try to slay me
But I know Christ has won the victory.
In this fallen world that we live in
there are days I find it hard to see
those are days my Lord will remind me
The blood of Jesus was shed for me.
My sword must be drawn, the full armor of God on
This battle is not for the weak
I am learning how to fight
Because His face is what I seek.
When I see Him it will no longer matter
His presence is more than enough
to smooth out all the rough edges
and rest fully immersed in His love

Really raw thoughts….from child abuse……

Real and raw… Abuse is wrong on so many levels.   When I think about how much perversion was in my home as a child, it makes me feel sick.  When I think of how pornography and perversion came into my life so young, it makes me angry and disgusted. I think about how unprotected I was from people who molested me, I wonder what the *#(@* people around me were thinking.  When I think about a grown man using my body to gratify something sick and nasty inside of him it makes me want to vomit. What happened to my body however, pales in comparison to what happened to my mind. My mind built walls around the things that were unbearable, my body buried things that I knew were there, but had no emotion attached to them. My mind chose confusion because the truth was too painful.  Because there was more than one abuser, I thought it must be me. My mind became like a recording that said, something is wrong with me, I have to try harder, work harder, do more, hold it together, keep it together. My mind couldn’t fully engage and my emotions develop appropriately because I was exposed to things that were way too adult for a child.  I never learned to trust my own emotions because my mind detached from my emotions at a very early age and everyone around me sent me the message that I was there for them, they were never there for me. My body matured early, my heart matured late. I always feared coming apart because, at my core, I believed if I ever let myself feel the hurt that i had buried, I would literally come apart and nothing would be able to put me back together. I take no pleasure in facing the truth about the people who were in my life as a child. It hurts like #^@*& sometimes. As I am healing and seeing the patterns and thought processes that have formed who I am, there are days that it just flat out &^$(*# me off, then there are days that I know God has used all of the bad to bring good in some places. I know I am healing because I am finding my voice.  I am seeing who I really am, not what people have told me to be.  Someone asked me why I would choose to blog about things that are so personal, I choose to do this because I want to be free.  I choose to do this because while it hurts, these things can not be hidden because the fruits of them have played out in my life for years. Choosing to forgive does not erase the effects of what we have endured. I choose to do this because there are people who may never talk about what happened to them who may read what I have written and find some peace on their path.  I choose to do this because I don’t believe God allowed me to walk through this for me to keep quiet about the grace He has lavished on me, His child.  I chose to do this because He is bigger than anything that has been done to me, I choose to do this because He gave me a gift to be able to put into words what I am thinking and feeling and in doing so maybe someone else will find their healing earlier, sooner, before making more decisions based in hurt. I choose to do this because this is who I am.

Forgiveness, thoughts and observations ..

After spending the day with a wonderful group of women looking at how abuse still affects our decisions and thoughts…..I am sobered.  God in His infinite mercy and wisdom creates us to be beings who crave fellowship.  Ultimately fellowship with Him, Our Creator, and  then fellowship with others.  I realized today how within the church we create a culture that sometimes doesn’t allow for the reality of true healing.  Someone said today “Christ himself does not enter into relationship with us until we repent and acknowledge that we are sinners in need of Him as Savior.”  I have struggled for years with trying to reconcile what the Word says, what I have been told and trying to find what is right when it comes to relationships with people who abused me, especially those within family. There is so much I want to say but as I type it, it doesn’t seem to come out right.  At the end of all the erasing what I have typed here is the bottom line for me as best as I can articulate it…..God is the only one that can bring someone to repent.  He does not require me to be involved in someones life for them to repent from sinning against me.  Forgiveness is giving up my hatred for His love and my right to revenge.  Revenge is different than justice.  Forgiveness is not a license for continued abuse, nor is it a license for someone to deny and not face the truth of what occurred.  Facing truth does not mean a happy ending, it does not mean apologies or flowers and hugs.  Sometimes the truth is that people are sinful, stupid and without remorse or reconciliation.  Sometimes the truth is that two people can admit imperfections and move forward honestly in a healthy relationship.  Sometimes there is no happy ending for a relationship between father and daughter or siblings, aunts or uncles.  Happiness can come when the victim realizes that God is enough, He hurt when they hurt, He cried when they cried and He will heal as they are ready to face the truth about where they have been and what they have endured.  Beauty from brokenness is a strange but wonderful thing. I have longed for so many years for a good relationship in places where it is just not possible.  Today I see how that longing can take away from the strength of the relationships in my life that are good.  I will no longer try to please those who can’t be pleased and I will devote all my energy to healing and loving well those whom God has placed in my life to love, with His help. Thanks for reading.

Thoughts from the week….

I witnessed an act of violence this week, It left me strangely numb- others said it broke their heart, I was not undone.

Violence is a way of life when you live in sin and strife, Things that upset others are only to you the basics in life.

A strange response I thought to myself as I placed those memories back on the shelf, When a child is hurt the damage is done until that child meets the Son.

When the Son comes in the effects still remain- Yet in the Son is a response to the shame

I know my child what lays in your head, the feelings the memories, the things you dread

The violence the hurt the perversion and shame the memories the tension the crazy making games

They are not bigger or stronger or more worthy than me I overcame them for you when I was nailed to the cross

It doesn’t take away your loss but healing can come as you deal with each piece, every trauma, and every memory every emotion you see-

The ones who hurt you they belong to me. Justice will come if they don’t turn from their ways

You are my child and you long for my face the day will come when you have finished the race

Until then little one keep working it out you know I will hold you when the feelings they come out

Keep plowing your heart the victory is won the field that was rocky will one day be smooth

Your body will unlock the things it has hid and know that one day they will give account for what they did.  Trust me my child and know it is well and while parts of your life may feel like they were hell one thing is for sure, one thing will remain you are my child, I am your King and for that dear child let your heart sing.  You will learn how to feel as time goes on and more of those memories roll out at the throne of Grace and Mercy and hope for the undone you are valued sweet child you belong to my Son.

The Unraveling….

The Bible study book on healing from abuse that I have been working through has been very difficult.  It had a list of things children need when they are growing up to develop into healthy adults.  We were to circle those we didn’t have.  I just left the whole thing blank because none of the things on the list were common in my family.  They were simple things, like being valued as a person, having your thoughts and ideas heard, feeling safe to share your feelings without being made fun of, etc.  It is hard sometimes to realize that the things we try to hold on to are often the things that are most unhealthy.  Kind of like an alcoholic who knows drinking will kill them but they love it too much to lay it down.  I have tried for years to reconcile within myself the reality of what my family life was like as a child and my desire to be a part of a healthy family (parent/sibling) now.  I have to remind myself that if God allows me to continue to live to see children married and grandchildren then that is when we will have holidays with the house filled with family but as far as family, it won’t happen until then, the divide is too wide.  My brain and my body have spent years hiding the hurt, the reality and the raw emotions that got buried with it all.  It is hard to unravel now.  Sometimes people say why can’t you just move on and forget it.  The thing is all the things we don’t deal with affect the decisions we make and don’t make today because it was the foundation on which thought processes were developed and laid.  The unraveling is necessary to unpack and repack the things that need to be looked at in the proper light.  Talking this week with a fellow survivor we discussed how we always decide something is our fault, whether it is or it isn’t our default mode is to take the blame.  I pray that God continues to show me grace and mercy to allow the unraveling to become complete.  I want to be whole and healthy as much as is possible.  I want to focus and function without all this mess from my childhood affecting me.  Looking back I can see now that my body tried dealing with it earlier but my brain wasn’t ready.  I had migraines, went thru a time as  child that my hair started coming out in handfuls and when I was a teenager I remember crying for days and going to the doctor for intense headaches all I could hear in my head was “broken promises, broken dreams”.  I realize now I was grieving, grieving the hopelessness that I felt, grieving what had been lost, grieving what would never be.  Not all stories have a happy ending.  There are those who may never choose to allow a happy ending to the story of me in their life but I have to realize that is their issue, not mine and it is not mine to make it theirs.  Lord knows I have tried and it doesn’t work anyway. So I know that I choose a happy ending for myself, because I can and because I am worth it.  I am not and never was what or who I was told I was, or what I was treated like.  I am grateful for God’s grace that pulled me out of a miry pit and I pray that others experience His love and mercy the way I have. He has been merciful and loving to me.

Layers Letting Go

When I pull back the layers to see what’s inside, It’s no wonder I want to run and hide

The pain that I felt, the hurt that I hid, the confusion and shame that haunted within

When people should love you but hurt you instead, you sometimes wonder if you would be better off dead

Then you get angry at God and wonder where He is

When as a child you were told, just trust Him and all will be well, then your home life turns into a living hell

The perverts and freaks they come out of the woodwork, they bring with them numbness that covers up hurt

no one sees what happens inside when men treat a girl like a woman

then one day the girl she grows up, with a boatload of hurt and having nowhere to land

she decides that she must have been the one who caused it, it came by her own hand

she’d been told that for years, it’s all in your head, I don’t know why you are here we wish you were gone

then one day she feels the Holy Spirit speak to her in a song

she lays down the burden but the side effects remain, each one to be sifted through and placed in the mane

of the Lion of Judah the one who cares, the one who saw everything and was always there

He’s healing her inside of self hate and no self esteem He takes her to places that were only in her dreams

The life He lives through her is a battle for sure but there is one thing for certain, the woman can roar

so get out of her way there’s a new day to dawn she’s facing her past and it won’t be long

before the pain is over- only scars will remain and those who hurt her will be confused indeed because they will encounter a child of the King.

He is jealous for those who love him with wild abandon Christ took the hurt for us when He died on that tree He makes beauty from ashes for all to see.

so curse me if you wish and tell me to die, but I know one day you will look God in the eye

to answer for all that you caused for his kid, I hope He shows you mercy, though you never did

because I leave the pain a little more each day on that tree, I don’t love you on my own and I will no longer pretend that things didn’t happen when I know they did

so deal with the Lion, you will see Him one day and until then you should know I am no longer afraid