What is real, what is wrong….what is right?

The way I grew up….there were so many adult things in what should have been a child’s world that most of the time I did not know what was right or what was wrong.  However, I did always know what was real.  Even though I am still being told that things did not happen, I am not one of those people who blocked out the incidents, I blocked out the emotion.  There was never a time where I remembered something I never knew about, I remembered everything, what I never dealt with was how it affected me, who was ultimately responsible and how old I was when different things happened (which showed the deep sickness that surrounded me).  It was like all those memories were in my head but they floated around in this nebulous of emptiness without emotion tied to them. The way God began to show me I needed to revisit these things was simple.  I kept seeing signs with someone’s name on them who was involved in some of these things.  Which brought up the question, how do I as a believer deal with that? Which then brought up a lot of buried emotion, which then brought up a lot of confusion as I sought Christian answers for how to deal with something so many years later.  I recently asked someone who knew of these things about them…..they acted like their phone went bad and said , Doris, I can’t hear you…..they could hear me…and that my friends is how my whole childhood felt…..Doris, I can’t hear you……I close my eyes and remember the things I know this person heard and saw.  Someone told me that they thought I wanted people to pay for what they had done to me.  The thing is, there is no payment that can be made.  There is nothing that can undo the damage that was done to a child except the patient love of Christ who is our healer.  I had a moment today with an ex marine.  We were speaking of self defense.  He told me his training made him always be on alert even when there was no need and he pointed out how his feet were situated in the booth he was sitting in which would allow him to come out of his seat with force if he needed to although there was no threat around.  This came natural to him now.  I told him that was what it was like for me, I have lived most of my life on “high alert”.  For years I would never sit with my back to a door when I was in public.  Every place I go, I identify where I am in relation to the exits, in case I need to leave in a hurry.  Silly may sound to some to compare an ex-marine to a victim of child abuse, but I could so relate to what he was saying.  It has taken me years to find the anger that has been buried because I could not face that people who knew better, didn’t act better.  I couldn’t face the victim I had been……So before you wonder where Jesus is in all these emotions let me assure you He is in them and He is allowing them to be dealt with and by His Grace I know I am not alone and I can do all things through Him!