Really raw thoughts….from child abuse……

Real and raw… Abuse is wrong on so many levels.   When I think about how much perversion was in my home as a child, it makes me feel sick.  When I think of how pornography and perversion came into my life so young, it makes me angry and disgusted. I think about how unprotected I was from people who molested me, I wonder what the *#(@* people around me were thinking.  When I think about a grown man using my body to gratify something sick and nasty inside of him it makes me want to vomit. What happened to my body however, pales in comparison to what happened to my mind. My mind built walls around the things that were unbearable, my body buried things that I knew were there, but had no emotion attached to them. My mind chose confusion because the truth was too painful.  Because there was more than one abuser, I thought it must be me. My mind became like a recording that said, something is wrong with me, I have to try harder, work harder, do more, hold it together, keep it together. My mind couldn’t fully engage and my emotions develop appropriately because I was exposed to things that were way too adult for a child.  I never learned to trust my own emotions because my mind detached from my emotions at a very early age and everyone around me sent me the message that I was there for them, they were never there for me. My body matured early, my heart matured late. I always feared coming apart because, at my core, I believed if I ever let myself feel the hurt that i had buried, I would literally come apart and nothing would be able to put me back together. I take no pleasure in facing the truth about the people who were in my life as a child. It hurts like #^@*& sometimes. As I am healing and seeing the patterns and thought processes that have formed who I am, there are days that it just flat out &^$(*# me off, then there are days that I know God has used all of the bad to bring good in some places. I know I am healing because I am finding my voice.  I am seeing who I really am, not what people have told me to be.  Someone asked me why I would choose to blog about things that are so personal, I choose to do this because I want to be free.  I choose to do this because while it hurts, these things can not be hidden because the fruits of them have played out in my life for years. Choosing to forgive does not erase the effects of what we have endured. I choose to do this because there are people who may never talk about what happened to them who may read what I have written and find some peace on their path.  I choose to do this because I don’t believe God allowed me to walk through this for me to keep quiet about the grace He has lavished on me, His child.  I chose to do this because He is bigger than anything that has been done to me, I choose to do this because He gave me a gift to be able to put into words what I am thinking and feeling and in doing so maybe someone else will find their healing earlier, sooner, before making more decisions based in hurt. I choose to do this because this is who I am.