REJECTION

Rejection-what a difficult word……growing up I was called a REJECT…. today as an adult woman, there are days that I feel so much rejection……I know I am loved and cared for yet some days rejection seems to be lurking around every corner. On days like today, I know I am weak…really weak..because when I feel those familiar walls of rejection..it still takes me a bit to get out of my head. I have to remind myself that my security comes from God..not those around me….that my trust and faith is in Him and should be in Him alone. I also have to remind myself that because I am still healing from enormous hurts in my life, sometimes when I feel something, it is connected to something bigger that makes me go in my head to a place that is not healthy. Kind of like when you cut your finger and you automatically can see in your mind your whole arm being amputated because infection has set in and your life will never be the same but in truth it is a small cut that will heal by the next day… you know like when you are hormonal and everything is EXTREME! I realize that there are times that rejection is the best thing that can happen in a situation…for example, in a toxic relationship, while rejection can hurt, it can be the one thing that helps you see the relationship for what it is POISON. What is the root of rejection? I am not really wise enough to know the answer to that across the board, I can only speak from my own experiences. I can not depend on others to give me what I need or tell me who I am. That has to come from Christ in me, my hope of Glory. The Holy Spirit is my teacher, comforter and helper…when I feel the wall of rejection trying to build a foundation in my spirit I have to go to the Word to see who I am, find my worth, and let those feelings of hurt and inadequacy go. So in my mind, the root of rejection may be looking to others for what Christ alone can give me. I need to have my default setting to be that of what God says I am, not the lies I have believed for so long about myself. My go to needs to be grace, for me, and for others. I need to receive healing to be able to stay in today, not tomorrow, not yesterday and not years before. How do I do this……..I must believe that God who started the good work in me will bring it to completion, I must know I am His and He alone is the lifter of my head. I must be pliable clay in my potter’s hands as He shapes me and makes me into who He wants me to be. I will never be rejected by the one who created me and formed me in my mother’s womb. In this, I can rest and trust, with this, I can stop the “feelings” of rejection dead in its tracks. Help me Father to grow stronger in Jesus name.

Freedom Calling

There are times when my heart feels so heavy,
Like the hurt that’s inside has nowhere to go.
Then my Savior reaches down and exposes
those wounds way down deep in my soul.
He reminds me of how much He loves me,
How he bled and died on that tree.
To free me from chains that would bind me,
Because Satan doesn’t want me free.
The blood of Jesus covers me,
Where I have been and what’s been done to me
It is there that the demons try to slay me
But I know Christ has won the victory.
In this fallen world that we live in
there are days I find it hard to see
those are days my Lord will remind me
The blood of Jesus was shed for me.
My sword must be drawn, the full armor of God on
This battle is not for the weak
I am learning how to fight
Because His face is what I seek.
When I see Him it will no longer matter
His presence is more than enough
to smooth out all the rough edges
and rest fully immersed in His love

Really raw thoughts….from child abuse……

Real and raw… Abuse is wrong on so many levels.   When I think about how much perversion was in my home as a child, it makes me feel sick.  When I think of how pornography and perversion came into my life so young, it makes me angry and disgusted. I think about how unprotected I was from people who molested me, I wonder what the *#(@* people around me were thinking.  When I think about a grown man using my body to gratify something sick and nasty inside of him it makes me want to vomit. What happened to my body however, pales in comparison to what happened to my mind. My mind built walls around the things that were unbearable, my body buried things that I knew were there, but had no emotion attached to them. My mind chose confusion because the truth was too painful.  Because there was more than one abuser, I thought it must be me. My mind became like a recording that said, something is wrong with me, I have to try harder, work harder, do more, hold it together, keep it together. My mind couldn’t fully engage and my emotions develop appropriately because I was exposed to things that were way too adult for a child.  I never learned to trust my own emotions because my mind detached from my emotions at a very early age and everyone around me sent me the message that I was there for them, they were never there for me. My body matured early, my heart matured late. I always feared coming apart because, at my core, I believed if I ever let myself feel the hurt that i had buried, I would literally come apart and nothing would be able to put me back together. I take no pleasure in facing the truth about the people who were in my life as a child. It hurts like #^@*& sometimes. As I am healing and seeing the patterns and thought processes that have formed who I am, there are days that it just flat out &^$(*# me off, then there are days that I know God has used all of the bad to bring good in some places. I know I am healing because I am finding my voice.  I am seeing who I really am, not what people have told me to be.  Someone asked me why I would choose to blog about things that are so personal, I choose to do this because I want to be free.  I choose to do this because while it hurts, these things can not be hidden because the fruits of them have played out in my life for years. Choosing to forgive does not erase the effects of what we have endured. I choose to do this because there are people who may never talk about what happened to them who may read what I have written and find some peace on their path.  I choose to do this because I don’t believe God allowed me to walk through this for me to keep quiet about the grace He has lavished on me, His child.  I chose to do this because He is bigger than anything that has been done to me, I choose to do this because He gave me a gift to be able to put into words what I am thinking and feeling and in doing so maybe someone else will find their healing earlier, sooner, before making more decisions based in hurt. I choose to do this because this is who I am.

Forgiveness, thoughts and observations ..

After spending the day with a wonderful group of women looking at how abuse still affects our decisions and thoughts…..I am sobered.  God in His infinite mercy and wisdom creates us to be beings who crave fellowship.  Ultimately fellowship with Him, Our Creator, and  then fellowship with others.  I realized today how within the church we create a culture that sometimes doesn’t allow for the reality of true healing.  Someone said today “Christ himself does not enter into relationship with us until we repent and acknowledge that we are sinners in need of Him as Savior.”  I have struggled for years with trying to reconcile what the Word says, what I have been told and trying to find what is right when it comes to relationships with people who abused me, especially those within family. There is so much I want to say but as I type it, it doesn’t seem to come out right.  At the end of all the erasing what I have typed here is the bottom line for me as best as I can articulate it…..God is the only one that can bring someone to repent.  He does not require me to be involved in someones life for them to repent from sinning against me.  Forgiveness is giving up my hatred for His love and my right to revenge.  Revenge is different than justice.  Forgiveness is not a license for continued abuse, nor is it a license for someone to deny and not face the truth of what occurred.  Facing truth does not mean a happy ending, it does not mean apologies or flowers and hugs.  Sometimes the truth is that people are sinful, stupid and without remorse or reconciliation.  Sometimes the truth is that two people can admit imperfections and move forward honestly in a healthy relationship.  Sometimes there is no happy ending for a relationship between father and daughter or siblings, aunts or uncles.  Happiness can come when the victim realizes that God is enough, He hurt when they hurt, He cried when they cried and He will heal as they are ready to face the truth about where they have been and what they have endured.  Beauty from brokenness is a strange but wonderful thing. I have longed for so many years for a good relationship in places where it is just not possible.  Today I see how that longing can take away from the strength of the relationships in my life that are good.  I will no longer try to please those who can’t be pleased and I will devote all my energy to healing and loving well those whom God has placed in my life to love, with His help. Thanks for reading.

Thoughts from the week….

I witnessed an act of violence this week, It left me strangely numb- others said it broke their heart, I was not undone.

Violence is a way of life when you live in sin and strife, Things that upset others are only to you the basics in life.

A strange response I thought to myself as I placed those memories back on the shelf, When a child is hurt the damage is done until that child meets the Son.

When the Son comes in the effects still remain- Yet in the Son is a response to the shame

I know my child what lays in your head, the feelings the memories, the things you dread

The violence the hurt the perversion and shame the memories the tension the crazy making games

They are not bigger or stronger or more worthy than me I overcame them for you when I was nailed to the cross

It doesn’t take away your loss but healing can come as you deal with each piece, every trauma, and every memory every emotion you see-

The ones who hurt you they belong to me. Justice will come if they don’t turn from their ways

You are my child and you long for my face the day will come when you have finished the race

Until then little one keep working it out you know I will hold you when the feelings they come out

Keep plowing your heart the victory is won the field that was rocky will one day be smooth

Your body will unlock the things it has hid and know that one day they will give account for what they did.  Trust me my child and know it is well and while parts of your life may feel like they were hell one thing is for sure, one thing will remain you are my child, I am your King and for that dear child let your heart sing.  You will learn how to feel as time goes on and more of those memories roll out at the throne of Grace and Mercy and hope for the undone you are valued sweet child you belong to my Son.

The Unraveling….

The Bible study book on healing from abuse that I have been working through has been very difficult.  It had a list of things children need when they are growing up to develop into healthy adults.  We were to circle those we didn’t have.  I just left the whole thing blank because none of the things on the list were common in my family.  They were simple things, like being valued as a person, having your thoughts and ideas heard, feeling safe to share your feelings without being made fun of, etc.  It is hard sometimes to realize that the things we try to hold on to are often the things that are most unhealthy.  Kind of like an alcoholic who knows drinking will kill them but they love it too much to lay it down.  I have tried for years to reconcile within myself the reality of what my family life was like as a child and my desire to be a part of a healthy family (parent/sibling) now.  I have to remind myself that if God allows me to continue to live to see children married and grandchildren then that is when we will have holidays with the house filled with family but as far as family, it won’t happen until then, the divide is too wide.  My brain and my body have spent years hiding the hurt, the reality and the raw emotions that got buried with it all.  It is hard to unravel now.  Sometimes people say why can’t you just move on and forget it.  The thing is all the things we don’t deal with affect the decisions we make and don’t make today because it was the foundation on which thought processes were developed and laid.  The unraveling is necessary to unpack and repack the things that need to be looked at in the proper light.  Talking this week with a fellow survivor we discussed how we always decide something is our fault, whether it is or it isn’t our default mode is to take the blame.  I pray that God continues to show me grace and mercy to allow the unraveling to become complete.  I want to be whole and healthy as much as is possible.  I want to focus and function without all this mess from my childhood affecting me.  Looking back I can see now that my body tried dealing with it earlier but my brain wasn’t ready.  I had migraines, went thru a time as  child that my hair started coming out in handfuls and when I was a teenager I remember crying for days and going to the doctor for intense headaches all I could hear in my head was “broken promises, broken dreams”.  I realize now I was grieving, grieving the hopelessness that I felt, grieving what had been lost, grieving what would never be.  Not all stories have a happy ending.  There are those who may never choose to allow a happy ending to the story of me in their life but I have to realize that is their issue, not mine and it is not mine to make it theirs.  Lord knows I have tried and it doesn’t work anyway. So I know that I choose a happy ending for myself, because I can and because I am worth it.  I am not and never was what or who I was told I was, or what I was treated like.  I am grateful for God’s grace that pulled me out of a miry pit and I pray that others experience His love and mercy the way I have. He has been merciful and loving to me.

Layers Letting Go

When I pull back the layers to see what’s inside, It’s no wonder I want to run and hide

The pain that I felt, the hurt that I hid, the confusion and shame that haunted within

When people should love you but hurt you instead, you sometimes wonder if you would be better off dead

Then you get angry at God and wonder where He is

When as a child you were told, just trust Him and all will be well, then your home life turns into a living hell

The perverts and freaks they come out of the woodwork, they bring with them numbness that covers up hurt

no one sees what happens inside when men treat a girl like a woman

then one day the girl she grows up, with a boatload of hurt and having nowhere to land

she decides that she must have been the one who caused it, it came by her own hand

she’d been told that for years, it’s all in your head, I don’t know why you are here we wish you were gone

then one day she feels the Holy Spirit speak to her in a song

she lays down the burden but the side effects remain, each one to be sifted through and placed in the mane

of the Lion of Judah the one who cares, the one who saw everything and was always there

He’s healing her inside of self hate and no self esteem He takes her to places that were only in her dreams

The life He lives through her is a battle for sure but there is one thing for certain, the woman can roar

so get out of her way there’s a new day to dawn she’s facing her past and it won’t be long

before the pain is over- only scars will remain and those who hurt her will be confused indeed because they will encounter a child of the King.

He is jealous for those who love him with wild abandon Christ took the hurt for us when He died on that tree He makes beauty from ashes for all to see.

so curse me if you wish and tell me to die, but I know one day you will look God in the eye

to answer for all that you caused for his kid, I hope He shows you mercy, though you never did

because I leave the pain a little more each day on that tree, I don’t love you on my own and I will no longer pretend that things didn’t happen when I know they did

so deal with the Lion, you will see Him one day and until then you should know I am no longer afraid

 

P.O.’d——-Put out and pretty ornery!

I am angry today.  Angry because I have wasted so much energy over the years.  Angry because I did not have a healthy family growing up.  Angry because people who hurt you can be so good at twisting things around to make it seem like your fault.  Angry that Christians, (I realize I am one), have hurt me so bad by telling me things like…”you can not be at peace with your heavenly Father until you are at peace with your earthly father….love him to Jesus…just love him to Jesus…you keep on witnessing to him and God will save him, be faithful sister, just keep believing..” all this implies I can “do” something to get God to do something.  Angry because someone told a friend of mine that God would give them a baby, when it may never be in God’s plan for them to have a baby, angry that we try to find such easy answers to difficult issues and tell people they are immature because they don’t get it or they question things.  I really think that we need to be more honest with each other, with God and with ourselves.  The truth is sometimes life hurts, sometimes things aren’t fair, sometimes even God was angry so why do we think we are sinning or off the deep end when we get angry….be angry, sin not.  The truth is that God is always with us in our emotions, including anger, Jesus felt anger yet did not sin.  Hurt people, hurt people, life is hard sometimes, things hurt and loving God and serving Him does not give me or anyone else a free pass or a genie in a bottle to get what we want.  None of us are perfect, none of us are above hard things, it rains on the just and the unjust.  So my thought today is this, first of all, if you told me one of those things I said above, or if I have ever told you one of those things I am sorry.  Sorry because if I told you that, now I know I was wrong, sorry if you told me that, because today I want to smack you in the face, but I won’t because if I did it would be sin.  If you want to smack me, know that I understand and I am sorry that I spouted out what people had told me before I walked it out enough to know that they were wrong.  At the end of the day, we need all need more of God-when we are pretty ornery and when we are not! God desires all people to come to Him but He gives each person a choice and we can not make anyone make a choice that is lasting, it has to come from God himself.  And yes, I admit, I am speaking out of anger that is deep in my soul, God is healing it as I bring it to Him and I am sharing it in hopes someone else might have an easier road, that’s all.

Finding some clarity in a broken relationship…

Recently someone was telling me how they felt about a family member, it was not good. So I decided to ask…if that’s how you feel about them…then how do you feel about me? Their answer cleared up so much confusion inside my head that has been there for so many years. Their answer was ugly, in that there was nothing good in it, but it was beautiful because I finally understood. I had been longing for years for someone to give me something that I now realize is not and probably has never been in their power to give. I longed for love, encouragement, a sense of belonging. I always felt, distance, dislike and an intense sense of shame. I understand now that this person filling a role in my life is not within the realm of their capability because their idea of reality is not really real. Their concept of family is totally different than mine. My idea of family is a safe, nurturing environment where one can hear and be heard, grow and fail, live and learn. This persons idea of family is all centered around themselves. Taking with no giving, to the point that no matter what those around them give, it is never enough. They have no ability to look at themselves and take any responsibility for the circumstances they find themselves in. In their mind, they did noting to cause it, didn’t deserve it and will never be able to understand the consequences of their actions over the years. For me this means that I can be free. Free from the condemnation I have felt for not belonging. Free from the obligation to “do something” about this persons situation. Free from the pain that has haunted me because of this relationship and lack thereof. Free from the shame of a broken family. I have felt so much shame as a christian that I could not bring some sense of normalcy to family relationships. Even when someone told me that I was not understanding the other parties had to meet me half way. Because of the lies I believed about myself and the wrong teaching I had picked up from well meaning preachers I felt that if I just prayed enough or tried hard enough that a relationship that was good would evolve out of the broken mess that had been for years. I have been told that I can not be in right relationship with my heavenly father if I am not in right relationship with my earthly father. I know now that the pastors who told me this did not take enough time to consider the ramifications of what they were telling me, nor did what they say hold up to the entire counsel of Scripture. Sometimes real love means not sweeping things under the rug in the name of Jesus but loving people where they are enough to let them sit in the mess they have made in hopes they will one day realize they are part of their own problem and address the issues within their own soul. I may still have to resist sometimes feeling shame when others pass judgement on me for not doing or being what they think I should do or be for this person, but I pray as I get stronger and emotionally healthier those things will roll off my back quicker and cleaner than before.

Lost Inside My Head….

Sometimes I get lost inside my head, my thoughts intertwined with fear and dread

The life outside, the life inside, it’s really nothing that I try to hide

In what I want to do, I seem to fail, yet what I don’t want to do, I truly excel.

It’s a mystery; it appears to me, how one can be sold out, yet so divided

Our flesh, our spirit, our minds and our bodies should be united- not constantly fighting

Be still my soul and trust in God, He is uncovering stones left from the ground we’ve trod

They are not stones I say they are boulders; the weights and burdens they place upon my shoulders

Are heavy to carry and cost way too much, please, please oh God release their clutch

I need Your Holy Spirit oh why can’t I get near it? this hurts so bad, I don’t want to bear it.

I feel you there, I sense your touch

Break down the barriers that are built in my heart, tear down the walls that didn’t start out so smart

The pain I have felt, the life I have lived I know is your plan and comes through your hand

Yet I know that I know Satan still has a hold, in the lies buried so deep; the things he whispered in my sleep

I want to be free I long to proclaim it! Delivered at last, the past is dead, those voices are gone from inside my head

Oh Jesus come here and take my insecurities, burn off the dross and trash the impurities

How I long to come forth and tell Your story of how you took unwanted filth and created beauty.