There are times when my heart feels so heavy,
Like the hurt that’s inside has nowhere to go.
Then my Savior reaches down and exposes
those wounds way down deep in my soul.
He reminds me of how much He loves me,
How he bled and died on that tree.
To free me from chains that would bind me,
Because Satan doesn’t want me free.
The blood of Jesus covers me,
Where I have been and what’s been done to me
It is there that the demons try to slay me
But I know Christ has won the victory.
In this fallen world that we live in
there are days I find it hard to see
those are days my Lord will remind me
The blood of Jesus was shed for me.
My sword must be drawn, the full armor of God on
This battle is not for the weak
I am learning how to fight
Because His face is what I seek.
When I see Him it will no longer matter
His presence is more than enough
to smooth out all the rough edges
and rest fully immersed in His love
poetry
Thoughts from the week….
I witnessed an act of violence this week, It left me strangely numb- others said it broke their heart, I was not undone.
Violence is a way of life when you live in sin and strife, Things that upset others are only to you the basics in life.
A strange response I thought to myself as I placed those memories back on the shelf, When a child is hurt the damage is done until that child meets the Son.
When the Son comes in the effects still remain- Yet in the Son is a response to the shame
I know my child what lays in your head, the feelings the memories, the things you dread
The violence the hurt the perversion and shame the memories the tension the crazy making games
They are not bigger or stronger or more worthy than me I overcame them for you when I was nailed to the cross
It doesn’t take away your loss but healing can come as you deal with each piece, every trauma, and every memory every emotion you see-
The ones who hurt you they belong to me. Justice will come if they don’t turn from their ways
You are my child and you long for my face the day will come when you have finished the race
Until then little one keep working it out you know I will hold you when the feelings they come out
Keep plowing your heart the victory is won the field that was rocky will one day be smooth
Your body will unlock the things it has hid and know that one day they will give account for what they did. Trust me my child and know it is well and while parts of your life may feel like they were hell one thing is for sure, one thing will remain you are my child, I am your King and for that dear child let your heart sing. You will learn how to feel as time goes on and more of those memories roll out at the throne of Grace and Mercy and hope for the undone you are valued sweet child you belong to my Son.
Layers Letting Go
When I pull back the layers to see what’s inside, It’s no wonder I want to run and hide
The pain that I felt, the hurt that I hid, the confusion and shame that haunted within
When people should love you but hurt you instead, you sometimes wonder if you would be better off dead
Then you get angry at God and wonder where He is
When as a child you were told, just trust Him and all will be well, then your home life turns into a living hell
The perverts and freaks they come out of the woodwork, they bring with them numbness that covers up hurt
no one sees what happens inside when men treat a girl like a woman
then one day the girl she grows up, with a boatload of hurt and having nowhere to land
she decides that she must have been the one who caused it, it came by her own hand
she’d been told that for years, it’s all in your head, I don’t know why you are here we wish you were gone
then one day she feels the Holy Spirit speak to her in a song
she lays down the burden but the side effects remain, each one to be sifted through and placed in the mane
of the Lion of Judah the one who cares, the one who saw everything and was always there
He’s healing her inside of self hate and no self esteem He takes her to places that were only in her dreams
The life He lives through her is a battle for sure but there is one thing for certain, the woman can roar
so get out of her way there’s a new day to dawn she’s facing her past and it won’t be long
before the pain is over- only scars will remain and those who hurt her will be confused indeed because they will encounter a child of the King.
He is jealous for those who love him with wild abandon Christ took the hurt for us when He died on that tree He makes beauty from ashes for all to see.
so curse me if you wish and tell me to die, but I know one day you will look God in the eye
to answer for all that you caused for his kid, I hope He shows you mercy, though you never did
because I leave the pain a little more each day on that tree, I don’t love you on my own and I will no longer pretend that things didn’t happen when I know they did
so deal with the Lion, you will see Him one day and until then you should know I am no longer afraid
Lost Inside My Head….
Sometimes I get lost inside my head, my thoughts intertwined with fear and dread
The life outside, the life inside, it’s really nothing that I try to hide
In what I want to do, I seem to fail, yet what I don’t want to do, I truly excel.
It’s a mystery; it appears to me, how one can be sold out, yet so divided
Our flesh, our spirit, our minds and our bodies should be united- not constantly fighting
Be still my soul and trust in God, He is uncovering stones left from the ground we’ve trod
They are not stones I say they are boulders; the weights and burdens they place upon my shoulders
Are heavy to carry and cost way too much, please, please oh God release their clutch
I need Your Holy Spirit oh why can’t I get near it? this hurts so bad, I don’t want to bear it.
I feel you there, I sense your touch
Break down the barriers that are built in my heart, tear down the walls that didn’t start out so smart
The pain I have felt, the life I have lived I know is your plan and comes through your hand
Yet I know that I know Satan still has a hold, in the lies buried so deep; the things he whispered in my sleep
I want to be free I long to proclaim it! Delivered at last, the past is dead, those voices are gone from inside my head
Oh Jesus come here and take my insecurities, burn off the dross and trash the impurities
How I long to come forth and tell Your story of how you took unwanted filth and created beauty.
Real and Raw Thoughts with a New Poem
Raw-Abuse within the family setting can wreak havoc in the hearts and minds of innocent children. It is still sometimes hard for me to type the words innocent child in regards to myself because innocence was lost at such a young age. I never saw myself as innocent. As an adult, I know in my head it was never my fault, but my soul still struggles to undo the years of wrong thinking that were piled on top of the wrongs that were committed.
Anger– such an interesting emotion. There are times, more often than not that I can’t even muster up any feelings of anger about my past even if I try. Then there are days when a memory or a trigger pops up and I find myself flat out so angry that the word anger doesn’t even touch what rages in me. I get so angry I just want to go to the people who perpetrated these crimes and beat the crap out of them while yelling at the top of my lungs about what they stole from me. Yes, I am a Christian and I just said beat the crap out of and yell at. Before you think I am not saved or sanctified or whatever your view is, I take solace in the fact that Jesus made a whip before he went into the temple, he didn’t just pick up someone else’s that tells me he had intentions of seriously moving those folks right on out of the temple. He wasn’t playing because what was happening was wrong. I know I am healing because those times are fewer and farther in between.
Real- I have moved forward and turned my mess into a message and my pain into passion. That does not mean that instantly the lies I believed about myself or the pain that I buried so deep, deeper than I even knew you could bury anything, is instantly healed. That doesn’t mean that my self protecting behaviors and thought processes that I acquired over the years just stand up and go, “well we are bad for you so we are leaving now”. God can do that if He chooses and I know that to be true, yet for some of us, He allows us to walk through every painful piece until we are finally through. In walking though them He holds my hand and brings light into darkness and is teaching me more than I ever thought I could know about myself and more importantly about Him.
Daddy do you love me is an intensely personal poem that started several years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, crying from somewhere deep in my soul, and that was my cry. Years later, in a time of intense prayer, I broke before the Lord. In that brokenness I realized that I had buried as a child an intense longing to be loved by my Daddy. You see I had rejection from fathers on more than one level. As an adoptee who knew that my birth father refused to be involved with my pregnancy, which is incredibly ironic since he was obviously involved in my conception, I struggled with not being wanted and given up. My adoptive father I saw as weak, he always said when I was growing up and I quote “if it weren’t for my momma and daddy (my grandparents) I would blow my “$#%** brains out and y’all could have this place” Somewhere between the ages of 14 and 16 I heard him tell my mother if it would make her happy he would make me and my brother leave and move out. When the abuse that occurred in and around our home came up, he refused to believe it and said I made it all up. I packed my clothes and left one time he told me if I would come home he would make things better, he didn’t. Before my mother died she told me that to that day he still swore I made it all up. So one day when I was making up the bed when my girls were small, I heard the Lord say, Doris, I am your inheritance, I am your Father. All these years later, I am finally starting to understand what that means. I mean really understand it with my whole heart, not just a piece of it, or my mind. This poem is personal but I share it in the hopes that it might help bring healing to someone else, in Jesus name.
Daddy Do You Love Me?
Daddy do you love me? Why does my heart feel so hard?
Daddy do you love me? Please take me in your arms.
Daddy do you love me? Why is it impossible for you to say?
Daddy do you love me? Please make the pain go away!
Daddy do you love me?
The question is daughter do you love Me?
See child you should know I love you,
I shed my blood for you to be free.
Daddy do you love me? What is the purpose for which I was made?
Daddy do you love me? The darkness in my soul makes me feel fright.
Daughter do you love Me? My son came to bring you Light.
Hold onto Me dear daughter, everything will be alright.
I love you more than the stars in the sky, I know every hair on your head.
A Truth encounter is what you need, to look in the mirror and see what I see.
A Child of God, Daughter of the King, Let loose my child and allow your heart to sing!
The fire you feel with bring forth pure gold, the best of your story is yet untold.
Be still my Child and know I am God, there are reasons dear child for the ground we have trod.
I love you my daughter and know this one thing, my Grace covers your life, it flows out from your King.
So turn dear daughter and face the painful truth, the things that hurt you while in your youth,
While they lie behind you, they affected you to your core, yet they tell a story and open many doors,
Walk through them with me, I am holding your hand, what lies before you is the Promised Land,
Not eternal life- that will come later, there are things yet ahead here, that are what you were made for. – Doris Cardwell
Inside My Head
On one hand there’s a child inside, just waiting to get out
On the other hand I am an adult and I don’t get what this is about
Grief and pain, hurt and shame, they mess you up and make you think you are insane
Yet the truth is here and it sets me free to be what and who God created me to be
Why is it hard to reconcile the two, Christ died to make all things new
Get over the past I hear them say but they should live in my head on some days
The things planted inside it when I was young and free caused bondage and fear to roll all over me
Vulgarities and sin, bad scenes in my mind they don’t go away just because now I am grown
They pop up at the most inappropriate times, just when I think they are gone.
Move forward move forward the pastor’s all say- I’m trying! I’m trying! I want to display
Christ love for the poor and his power in my mind, I know I am to forget what lies behind
Lord Jesus I know you have wiped me clean. Your princess I am by your blood I am redeemed!
These memories that come, teach me to make them yours, I am sick of hearing that I am a whore.
The condemning young voice that can sound so strong can come when I hear the just the chords of a song
Get out of my head you lying snake my life story is His, you cannot retake
The ground that you lost when He died on that tree, because I know He did it for me.
Pain makes you stronger, hardships do too and we won’t even remember them when we get to see You.
Let me live on this earth a life not in vain and help to show others your healing from pain
doris cardwell
Real and Raw-Healing From the Inside Out 